If I Needed to Become a River

I, always thought I’m too much that

not everyone can withstand me and

just like a fire,

all I know is how to burn

Lately, I feel I like I have to become

bigger than

the Great Chicago fire, to make up for all your love

I-

could stretch out to few infernos

but

Sometimes, I feel like-

you are asking me to flow

and I am no river you know

I have always been a fire

I either burn or glow

if I could expand myself enough for

me to create a fire of waves

be an ocean full of flames

would I be enough?
Because-

lately, you are growing so fast and wide

I am no longer sure if

if I can stretch myself further

for us to be together 

after all, I’m just a fire

and I can only do so much until

my flame starts getting weaker

and my heart gets cold..

2017.21.10 bluesirie

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Photograph

The night you told me you love me
I remember swimming in seventh heaven
I didn’t know where on earth was that
but I have no words for such joy yet

I do not know how to look at you
any more than long, I’d fall so deep
it would be impossible to-
even think of saving me

too short and I know I will-
miss you too soon
the sun and the moon would gossip for the way
my hands would trace the image of you

I wish there are shortcuts to loving you
Like, instead of telephone
I could say phone and-
it wouldn’t lose it’s meaning

But, I realized how cellphone and telephone-
short cut in the same pattern and-
I don’t like anyone to have the same way
to your heart, to beat the same path, I have beaten

I guess I’ll have to deal for moments when-
my heart would stop beating
when you’d take the air out of my lungs
just because you are near me

Moments I swear, that even living falls short
to witness a beauty that is you- that is
larger than life
that is someone

I love…

Bluesirie 20130625

The almost fairy tale of you and me

If I could be a cartoon character-
I’d be either Cinderella’s step-sisters or
Snow White’s wicked step-mom

I was never a good person
I’m neither proud nor ashamed of it
I’m just okay with it

Besides, I wasn’t searching for a prince
I need no man to blew me away
Nor transform a princess in me

But once upon a time, you came-
flat, solid, motionless- maybe emotionless
like the floor of the earth for me

Whenever I fall, you were always there-
Always. Like your only job was to catch me
Like you knew I specialized in hurting myself

-My complete opposite.
I was danger
You were the safe side of everything

I always choose to not be so fragile.
Until I found myself in watercolors-
In love, to a mythical creature like you

And maybe I don’t know how to love at all-
but I swear
with all the unswearable things that had gotten sworn off-

No amount of apples
or curses or tricks and needles
could ever stop me from loving you

And no amount of suffering,
as when we suffered together,
shaken and broken-

but still together

could ever hold the most beautiful thing
that ever happened in my entire life
an eternal reassurance that-

As long as I live
I shall breathe
In your love…

(We didn’t live happily ever after. We just live, loving each other)

Bluesirie 20130614

I went to an EENT doctor but referred me to a cardiologist

I wish there’s a direction on-
how to passion-proof my heart

So whenever I traverse on your words
I wouldn’t be blown away by each episode

I wish you didn’t tell me you love me-
if you didn’t mean it; you shouldn’t have said it

Now, I found myself gripping-
on every edge
of the fraying words you wrote

I wish I could unlove you
But I haven’t found the unlove button yet

All I see are these heart-shaped icons on my eyes
whenever I see your name

So, I went to the EENT,
but the doctor said there’s nothing wrong with my eyes

I went to the cardiologist next, as the former suggested
I said, “Doctor, is there a way to passion-proof my heart?”

And the doctor said, “Karla,
I was taught that if someone’s not doing something with passion, one must just stop doing at all.

And if you wanna guard your heart against it,
why live at all?”

And I remember what you told me once
You said the one thing you’re most afraid of-
is not Doing

So maybe you’re really passionate
Maybe, I really like that about you

Maybe, I just try to convince myself I don’t love you
Because maybe I’m afraid-

because you always take me to a ride
one where nothing else seems to matter

-but you and I…

Bluesirie 20130610

Belong (an honest love poem)

If I could get a hold of myself
I’d never glance at your direction
I’d never keep torturing my chest
just at the sight of your perfected face

If I have enough self control
I’d stop weaving words upon this dusty page
But when Andrea said an “honest love poem”
My pen leads me back to you

If my heart could stop betraying me-
If my hands could stop conspiring with it-
We could both put each other’s case to rest
But it won’t happen, it doesn’t happen so easily

You see, I love you. In the most honest way, I do
And I’ve forgotten where to draw the line-
between staying still or moving on
Or unimagine that summer afternoon when we play “I do”

I’m still unapologetically in love with you
I’m not sorry for staying beautifully miserable
I’m not sorry even when my heart could healthily beat-
103,680 times a day and yet-
I know I only beat the half of it.

Because the other half I keep feeding onto you
So maybe I’m unhealthy, maybe I’m sick
I know you don’t want me this way

But, what can I say?

I couldn’t belong to anybody
But you…

Bluesirie 20130608

You never really loved me

“He never really loved you”
I keep repeating this to myself
until I find the courage to believe it
You never really loved me

You’re just in love with the idea of me-
falling in love with you
Ecstatic about your own creation-
of wild imagination

Where you and I could exist
Dissolve in each other’s arms
Lost within the curves of our bodies
But you never really loved me

Because it isn’t love when you’re doing it to everybody
It isn’t love when every girls and I have no difference on you
It isn’t love when I’m treated like everyone else you met
Because you never really loved me

I wasn’t special. I thought we’re a pair of earrings
But you were never really searching for your other half
It was so wrong of me to think we’re a pair
When you’re on your own,

like a necklace that could drape on everybody’s neck
Where almost anyone
could absolutely

fit in…

And I am sorry,
but I believe there’s someone
(or something)
Exclusively for me
And damn I demand no less!

So maybe, you don’t deserve me
After all, you never really
loved me…

© Bluesirie 20130608

Why I never want to fall in love with a poet

It is an emotional suicide.
No, seriously, believe me.
Every time he declares a poem is for me-
I die in delirium!

I wish there’s a way to-
not trace his words when he’s gone
I wish it isn’t this heart-wrenching-
to fall in love and wake up we’re done

But every time I try to turn away
He always pulls me back
With the strongest string of words
He knows I have no strength to decline

He knows me. Like the back of his hands-
He knows me.
He knows I’m in love with him
I know he loves me back or maybe-
more..

I always try to guard my heart against him
I always fail at every attempt I’ve made

And I wish I didn’t fall in love with a poet
Because now I don’t even know how to stop

Didn’t you know?

I am also a poet
Who could keep writing
about you?

© Bluesirie 20130608